"Cutting a little girls throat is like cutting warm butter"...

.... I'm watching Commando, which I haven't seen in some fifteen years. When I last saw it, it was back in the days of 4:3 Pan'n'scan VHS tapes. I used to watch the film all the time : like any emotionally stunted bloke who spent days at an all-boys schools, movies were real-life. For me this was the life that you just didn't see.

The days I watch it and think : piece of shit. Cliched, brainless, macho, piece of useless shit. Watch! As Arnold Schwarzenegger and his anonymous daughter pet random deer and eat ice cream and practice kung-fu and go fishing in the opening credits. Be astounded! As anonymous just-electrocuted Bad Guy tells us "I Feel Good!" as he mildly punches a condum stuffed with walnuts called Matrix... Try to find the Varese Sarabande Soundtrack Album! As Duran Duran offshoot "The Power Station" contribute a song that should never have been written over the generic end-credits, freeze framed as The Governator, bloodied, bruised, but unbowed, carries his daughter into the sea like a Cyberdyne Systems Cowboy.

It's like a widescreen videogame. You command John Matrix, an anonymous retired crack CIA assasin brought out of retirement for one last job. At stake : your kidnapped daughter, in return for you killing the anonymous Leader of some South American Banana Republic Country, called, say Eurasia.

Level 1 : Defeat Kidnappers and assasins at your ranch house
Level 2 : Escape from your kidnapper, the plane, the airport and steal a car
Level 3 : Trail the kidnapper and catch him
Level 4 : Pretend to be the kidnapper, and rendezvous with contact
Level 5 : Kill Contact
Level 6 : Rob Gun Shop
Level 7 : Escape Police Custody
Level 8 : Steal A Plane
Level 9 : Attack Enemy Compound looking for your daughter
Level 10 : Free daughter, and have a final showdown with anonymous, no doubt English, nemesis

And whilst you're at it, kidnap a girl, explain nothing, and expect her to follow you like a docile little puppy dog : if you're a cop or a kidnapper, every woman is a hooker or a whore, and every security guard chats women up with the promise of letting them watch him kick ass. If you're lucky you can shag him. You get bonus points for, amongst other things, wiping out several hundred anonymous South American Stuntmen, planting a handful of explosives with a near-atomic destructive power, perform expert murderous moves in a balletic synchronoisation with a dodgy mid-80's synth-and-kettle-drum soundtrack, liberal use of the word "motherfucker" and - for bonus points - come out with Bondesque quips.

"Blow Off Some Steam." "Get The Point". "I Let Him Go." "Right? Wrong." "I don't need no gun, John." "Go On, twist the knife." "No Chance."

Hell, it's even worse than a Bruce Willis movie. It's like watching Miami Vice : The Movie, except worse, for the ending sees the newly-born Nuclear Family of Bloodied Daughter, Automaton Superman, and Kidnapped Surrogate Mother fly off in the sunset to a bad metal soundtrack courtesy of ex-Duran Duran members.

All The Bad Guys have moustaches. Bill Dukes, Dan Hedeya, and Alyssa Milano all appear. My God. I am so glad I don't live in 1986 anymore.

- posted by Mark @ 11:44 pm