You don't know what you want so I can't give it anymore


Some people think I’m an asshole. Probably. I have no idea. I think, by the law of averages it’s likely that someone somewhere thinks this. If I had to guess, I suggest it might be an estranged ex-wife. I know there have been some times when I’ve been selfish, cranky, irritable. That I haven’t treated people as well as I could’ve. Though I did treat them as well as I could’ve coped with at that time. Sure, sometimes I’ve been immature and placed my selfishness in front of how I should’ve been. It was only in the past few years I’ve made a conscious decision to be decent. Instead of thinking I could be a bit of a dick and get away with it, I tried my best to not be. Overall, mostly, it’s worked. Haven’t always wanted it to. And I’ve refused invitations that I would’ve probably taken years ago. Maybe fatherhood’s changed me. Maybe I’m just fed up of the game, the search for spiritual satisfaction, and thought that at the end of it… I’ve just stopped fighting to find someone new, and instead found something else. A sense of peace I never used to have.

I tried to be good years ago, a few times. Almost all the time it worked as well. Once, she left then got mad when I moved on. I didn’t move on, really. I was left behind to pick up the pieces, and eventually I met someone who helped me. Jealousy is a strange thing. She left me, yet couldn’t bear me to be with anyone else.

Once, she left, and punished me for the things I didn’t do but she thought I did. One, she left, for the things I couldn’t do that she wanted me to. But she didn’t know what she wanted, so I couldn’t give it to her. All she knew she wanted was that it wasn’t me, no matter what I tried. And then she pleaded that it had out her through adversity. It’s easier to leave than to be left behind.

In the end, for a while, I wondered what the point was. Do unto others before they have a chance to do unto you – though this is ultimately emotional suicide, and makes you as bad as the ones who wronged you. I didn’t deserve it. But then again, neither did she.

And for those I wasn’t perfect to, I apologise. I wasn’t the best person in the world at that point. I’d’ve liked to have been but I couldn’t. And I occasionally found fidelity difficult. I occasionally found myself in situations where I was unhappy with my love life, and I met someone, and thought.. just this once, maybe a crossover or an overlap won’t hurt… and I made mistakes, but I did so for what I thought were, at the time, the best reasons. I thought that nobody else is bothered about my happiness, at least let me try to find some myself. There are times when eyes meet and souls brush against each other and even though one has made a promise, it’s the hardest thing in the world to keep that promise, and it’s easier not to keep it. I was only human, scaling Mount Impossible.

I regret hurting people, even the ones who never knew it. I can’t say I regret the mistakes I made. Because every mistake you make brings you to where you are today. If I hadn’t made those mistakes, I would be someone else. With someone else, for all I know. In some ways, love is a game where the end justify the means. I do regret being an asshole to some people, but I’m not an asshole as much as their self-justifying retrospection suggests.

If you think I’m an asshole : I’m not. Sometimes, I have been. Sometimes, I’ve made mistakes. But who hasn’t? Who hasn’t – if they’re really, truly honest with themselves and not living a lie – who hasn’t made a mistake at least once in their life?

You? Ah, you fibber. Even you have. I’ve been too honest with myself, I should have lied like everybody else. Scientology knows this. Confess all your sins to scientology, and they will blackmail you in the future if you dare cross them.

I’ve forgiven myself. And that’s part of where the peace comes from. I know me better than anyone else, and I’m not ashamed or sorry for who I am or what I do. I made mistakes in the past, but without mistakes, one will never learn from those mistake. I learnt a lot, and I’m better for it.

My name is Mark, I’m trying to be a better person.
- posted by Mark @ 10:11 pm