
(Planet Me)
Monday, April 30, 2007
How To Tell You Are A Grown Up...

You have gardening gloves.
You don't buy NME anymore.
You don't go to nightclubs. They're too loud, and it's late.
Your social highlight is going to B&Q. Or Tesco.
Your favourite bands have split up. And reformed.
You don't buy singles anymore.
You have special trousers for gardening.
You worry about your weight. And you do something about it.
Bike

Recently, I've taken to cycling again - the weather has been better, and my wrist bone has healed completely after my accident in August. I've been putting it off a while, I admit, but I couldn't avoid it any longer. I added the new lights and reflective strips, pumped up the wheels, and hit the road for an hour or two in the sunset. Starting off it was easy, but I took a detour via the local hyper-mega-ultra-market, where I picked up 11 litres of liquids in 2-for-1 deals. I grunted like a packhorse on the way back.
Now I'm back home, I've just weighed the booty. 26lbs and almost two stone of stuff. No wonder my calf muscles ached at the end of my return journey. I was pulling an extra 15-20% of the previous weight on muscles.
I enjoyed it, even though I was sweating like a rapist as I returned home. I'll be cycling more often this summer.
Fly The White Flag Of War

The local elections are on Thursday. My memory is long. I can't vote for the Conservatives. I spent 1979-1997 under a grinding, awful poverty. Others lived in a world of golden opportunity, we were crushed under an unfeeling government that cared only about feathering it's nest, lining it's pockets and taking from the poor to give to the rich.
The most embarassing moment of my life happened under Thatcher's reign. At McDonalds I ate packed sandwiches my mother lovingly made, whilst my friends luxuriated in the Golden Arches. I didn't eat McDonalds until I was 18. Nor did I have Pizza until I went to University. I lived a sheltered life of pennilessness. Growing up, there was no money, so no money management. Maybe that explains why I am crap with money. I honestly felt I wouldn't live to see 27 because of the imminent nuclear apocalypse, living under the shadow of the bomb.
Anyway, I can't vote Conservative. I remember them, and that leopard doesn't change it's spots. Labour now are meaningless to me. Tony Blair took the honourable, and compassionate Labour ideal, and perverted it. He's now a lying, warmongering religious fundamentalist, and anything his party says is immediately suspect.
So who do I vote for?
something political.

Britain's first war criminal is convicted. Let us hope it is not the last, there is still Tony Blair roaming at liberty.
And Tony Blair is why I am not voting Labour : you cannot win the public trust when you lie so obviously, so blatantly, and with so little respect for the intelligence of the public. You serve us, not the other way round. You represent us, not the other way round. Don't forget it.
Since this is the first conviction, maybe, Piers Morgan can have his job back, eh? He was right.
it's almost as much fun as the internet, this real life thing.

(why I didn't blog earlier : cat sat on keyboard)
...Allegedly.
I have been busy the past day or two. Birthday parties for 2 years olds. (Pictures here). Today we were due to meet a baby girl for the first time, but she was poorly. Get well soon.
Instead I saw Next and Reno 911 at the cinema. Listened to music. After Mum went out to see Bridges Of Terabethia and The Painted Veil, I was home alone. Xander woke up at 8pm, and we hung out together. As the sun went down, he helped me weed in the garden. We stroked Elvis. Elvis, as you may remember has a gammy eye (picture here). The hair was matted together, so me and Xander played animal doctor. We picked up the little rabbit, and I cleaned the fur with wetted toilet paper, before cutting off, with careful cuts of tiny scissors, the matted fur and combed him. Xander looked intently and carefully at the "Abbit" as I did so, and stroked Elvis' ears.
We fed Elvis lettuce. In the garden as the sun went down, I picked out some weeds and weeded. Xander copied my pose and helped pull what he thought also looked likely suspects in the Great Weed War Of 2007. Inside we played "If you're happy and you know it", we blew up balloons, we ate bananas, giggled and wrestled. I made Xander milk and he kissed me good night.
Then I couldn't blog for a while. Someone was sat on the keyboard.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Buy My Snake Oil




For a while there, I lost my handle upon new music. I just did, and there's nothing I can do about it. After years and years of buying music papers, I got fed up of the production line of new and amazing bands they were hawking, irrespective of if they were any good or not. After the umpteenth year of new, imaginary scenes and useless bands being touted as The Next Big Thing. I remember them all, the false dawns, these crap, empty hopes. And after enough false alarms, I just stopped paying attention.
So when I find a band I like that formed after 1997, I almost faint with shock. These days most bands I see have split up and reformed for cash, or adultaion, or something, I don't know. So I'm quite proud to be familiar with some bands that are in the first run of their fame so to speak. The Gossip (who are good, but not amazing), The Killers (Springsteen gone indie-pop), LCD Soundsystem and Client, and if I'm not careful it'll start to be a list of stuff. There's a whole bunch of 'old' bands who have new stuff coming out.
At least I no longer feel like some old codger constantly banging on about how new music is just shouting these days.
Now, I should write a novel... anyone want to help? anyone want to bounce ideas off me?
Linkamania!

Tourist destinations.
Whilst I am away today, enjoy these links:
If Homer Simpson was human, exactly.
10,000 reasons mankind is doomed, and they are good
The seven phases of iPod ownership. I am on Phase Six.
Kurt Connegut offers advice to writers, useful
Hacking The Super Bowl : Prince.
77 ways to learn faster, hmm, embiggen your knowledge.
Blue Monday Owners Club, you've probably seen this before.
Whats a McMansion? exactly.
The 15 greatest lies of pop music - big whoppers.
How to pick your nose.. you dirty bugger.
Friday, April 27, 2007
air guitar

It's amazing how much stuff a person can have and generate throughout their life. Whilst watching Human Footprint, I learnt the average person speaks 102,000,000 words. Lives 78.5 years. Has sex 4,200 times. John Betjeman said his biggest regret was "not having enough sex".
I have a lot of CD's. A lot of vinyl. A lot of films. A lot of books. I like stuff. I see the value in these things, even if I haven't heard them for a long time. Earlier on, I dug out my copy of the original 1989 Rough Trade release of "Sit Down" by James (pictured above) and gave it a crackly spin. I've more stuff than I can really remember. I've even bought the same record twice ("State Of The Nation" by New Order). I love vinyl. Great big slabs of plastic and crackly treble. I've accumulated stuff at a great rate. I'm glad I've got it, but what you own starts to own you after a certain point. If you're not careful.
I can't think of a way to finish this now, though I did when I started writing it, I've forgotten now. Like the director of a bad movie. Time to stop. Move on. Weekend ahead.
Pictures
from the Flickr stream

Chocolate Rabbit.

Xander rocks out.

Me, circa early 1999.

Me, circa early 2007.

Xander and Chocolate, 2007.
The Weekend Starts Here
It feels like summer out there. Some gardening needs to be done. Managed a sort-of lie-in. At least I wasn't up at 6.30 or whenever, I am not a mornings person.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
The Laws Of Straightness

I've been busy recently. This morning didn't start particularly well. I was up at Stupid O'Clock to get to Rugby. Unfortunately things didn't go quite to plan.
A fire at Deptford at 4.32am on the track closed the line for every train travelling to Charing Cross, London Bridge, and Waterloo. Train was diverted to Victoria, and ended up arriving there after the time I should have been at Euston getting a train to The North. It wasn't helped by the fact that Victoria tube was, to be blunt, fucked. The tube station at Victoria often gets congested, often closes for minutes at a time, often has hundreds of people queued outside waiting for the sirens to stop and the gates to open. To get to Euston I'd have to wait twenty minutes to get to the platform, then to get to Euston itself, then..
...I wasn't going to make my meeting. I rang in, made my apologies, ensured my agenda was known to the other attendees, and waited an hour to get a train back. I got some good work done today. I like being 'in the zone', where I am working productively and efficiently. It doesn't happen as much as I would like it to these days.
I spent five hours getting nowhere. It was frustrating. Finally, the two of us did some work in the garden and laid out the missing fence panels so the garden fence is back to normal. I also bought Mulholland Drive on DVD from Oxfam. I think Graham may still have my DVD of The Straight Story. In other news...

This is the atheist symbol. Recently, it has been approved by the American Government as appropriate to be placed upon the gravestones of the fallen soldiers. I didn't even know there was an aethist symbol. It would make a brilliant tattoo.
Other links :
Wil Wheaton On Being A Geek and Martin Atkins on Interviews.
With that, the cat has curled up on the keyboard, so I suppose I better go. How are you?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Post-Sexual.

Walking through Birmingham yesterday and today, and I'd forgotten how much it had changed since I last lived there seven years ago. It's an alien landscape to me now. Walking past the church, I remembered the scraggy old Bull Ring, the markets I used to visit dripping with rain, everything. And it's all changed : Yosemite's been changed into a golf course. That used to be a Mark One, there used to be this there, there used to be an alley over here, all of these things, and how strange it is that it's been flattened, destroyed. I like what they've done to it now, it's an immeasurable improvement. But I remembered where everything was, how different everything now is, how what is now a Selfridges used to be a pub on stilts. It was an OK pub, but always crowded, and played too much Blur for my liking.
Maybe I spend too much time with people, but generally, I don't like most people. Most people can be dicks. The hooded chav at the bus stop yesterday : "Gotta fag mate?" he asked. My brain was thinking No, I'm not you're 'mate', and no I haven't. Bog Off. My mouth was considerably more polite. That twat had a fag anyway. He was smoking upstairs on the bus like the dumb scrote he was. I swear, if they eliminated all the chavs nobody would miss them.
The people who listen to their phones tinny, shitty MP3 of rave anthems and piss off everyone in their vicinity. Sometimes I want to turn my headphone out, clamp them on the ears of people listening to their shitty MP3 rave on phones, turn it up to eleven, and play them a bit of Slipknot.
Rude wankers in the KFC or the McDonalds. "I want that fresh", they say, as people are making the food right in front of their very eyes. "I want it hot", they say, as they can see it cooking. Haven't they got eyes? Just shut up and let the people work. I'm not rude to people who cook my food. I don't bug people. I know what I want, I order it, I say my pleases and my thank yous and I'm not a troublesome customer. Well, not unless you're rude to me.
I was wearing a t-shirt with ALL ROCK'N'ROLL IS HOMOSEXUAL on it. I got some funny looks.
In the meantime, today on the train I read "after my breakup, a jittery new life" which was an article by Nirpal Dhaliwal in the Evening Standard, though to call it an article is an insult, as it's nothing more than a tedious piece of sub-blogging set in newsprint. Why they pay this guy when people like Swiss Toni aren't published I don't know. The upshot of it is he's getting divorced, and his explanation for this was "(yes, I had an affair, again)". What a prat. I hope he spends the rest of his life wanking into a bowl and crying, but I suspect he's not got the self-awareness - or, more correctly - has too much self-obliviousness to actually know what kind of sad joke of a man he is. Keep your willy in your pants and try not to ruin your life. He makes his serial dicking around sound so... boring and tedious.
What kind of woman can't help but fall for him? Surely they know they are being played like a old glockenspiel? A simple prop, to occupy my mind.
People who chase naked women as if they are some elixir bore me. The world is full of naked women. You get to a certain age, and you start to feel post-sexual. That is, beyond sex, that there are numerous things far more interesting than sex and women and men and chasing another notch on the bedpost. Seen it all before. Every combination, every connection. I'd rather know a true friend than waste time with sexual sport. Doesn't it get boring? The endless quest for another woman? Another man? I'm beyond that. There's so much more to life.
I do fancy a shag, mind you. Who said romance was dead?
Mad about the boy.

Yesterday, as I was away, when Xander came home he was looking for me. He's used to seeing me somedays when he comes back from nursery. If I am at home, I'll play peek-a-boo with him. He'll sit in the car and I'll poke my head out of the front door and wait until he sees me before I hide. His face opens in a beautiful smile. I poke my head out again, and he giggles and I hide.
Yesterday, almost every word out of his mouth, and every sentence ended in the words "Daddy". He came straight into the house and looked for me in every room. "Aka aka boo Daddy?" he said. I wasn't there. I was in Birmingham.
Today, Ellen was working late. He's used to being picked up by Mummy. I came alone, having made it by the skin of my teeth on time. He looked up, and he opened into an enormous, can't-help-myself grin, and ran at me, jibbering nonsense. He then remembered he had a football he loves more than me.
Every thing he said as we walked home ended with the words "mummy". EVERYTHING. "Where's Mummy?" I imagined him saying in Xanderlish. "Dookie Ata Mummy?" "Widji Mummy?" "Mummy?"
We neared a woman who looks like E. "Mummy?" he says. "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" he squeals. As we get nearer, and the woman ignores this hopeful boy, oblivious to this two year old's hopes and fears, he stops talking as he eyesight reveals it isn't Mummy. "Mummy". He murmurs, balefully, sadly.
I adore that boy.
Untitled Post #1
I updated Flickr. Have some photos from the past few days.

Sculpture in Canary Wharf. Looks like a Pet Shop Boys cover.

Your vote is, in fact, a missing .jpg.

James, Birmingham Academy, 24 May 2007

James, Birmingham Academy, 24 May 2007

Everythings Changed since you've been to London, that southern wonderland.

The Dubliner, formerly The Barrel Organ. Saw a lot of gigs here. Spent a lot of nights out here. Danced to The Sisters Of Mercy a lot here when it was a goth disco. Had my first snog here. The sign says "Birmingham's Number 1 Pub". Obviously this is not now the case. It burnt down 24 July 2006 in suspected arson case.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
AFK
I'm going away for a couple of days. Talk amongst yourselves, ask me a question. See you soon. x
Monday, April 23, 2007
Bedtime For Democracy

It seems to have snuck up upon me recently, but there are local elections on May 3rd. For someone as political as I am, I've existed locally in a void : not quite aware of the local constituency, or even, until about 10 minutes ago, aware who is my local MP. He's a Tory. And shadow minister for Immigration.
In some respects, having examined the voting record, it doesn't matter who I vote for. Labout get around 11,000 votes, Liberal Democrats around 17,000. And there's a total of around 60,000 votes in the area. Unless I can get 6,000 votes, and get everyone who voted Labour to switch to Lib Dems, my vote is, in effect useless.
I've never voted Tory. I remember the Eighties. The decade where the poor were invisible, and only the rich mattered. In any case of the haves and have-nots, the rich and the poor, the in and the out crowd, I've only ever been in the out crowd. I felt the kicks of Conservatism. I ate sandwiches in McDonalds as the money became a drought. We scrabbled for every penny as we starved for money. It wasn't easy. Then again, is it ever?
In all probability I will never vote Conservative in my life. But I live in a Tory Ward : is my vote wasted? It's been Tory for as long as I can find out. So much for democracy.
46 Questions.

1. Do you still talk to the person you LAST kissed? Everyday, I'm not some dumb teenager.
2. Have you ever seen your best friends cry? Yes.
3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? None
4. What is the last thing you ate? Chocolate
5. Did you get any compliments today? Not really. I fell asleep in public.
6. Have you ever gone to court? Not yet.
8. Are you friends with your neighbours? On my left, yes. On my right, no. Renters, so they couldn't give a monkeys.
10. What language does your mum speak? English
11. Where have you lived throughout your life? Birmingham, Leicester, Walsall, London, Sutton, Surbiton, Ashford.
12. What's the last piercings you got? Don't be a dipstick.
13. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes? Today.
14. Do you get distracted easily? Yes
15. Have you ever thrown up/passed out from drinking? What would be the point otherwise?
16. How many times have you drank alcohol? Thousands of times.
18. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.
19. Have you ever toilet papered someones house? What does that mean?
20. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's/brother's friend? No
21. Have you ever gone to a beach? Of course. Been on a beach in many places. "It's where the dirt meets the water".
22. Have you ever had a stalker? Sadly yes. It's fairly strange and a little unusual. I'm not worth stalking.
23. Do you remember your music teacher's names? Not now, no.
24. How good is your eyesight? "My eyesights getting better - instead of a dark blur, its a light blur."
25. Have you ever gone to a party? You can really tell this is aimed at 12 year olds, what the fuck am I doing filling this in?
26. Would you ever swim with the sharks? No.
27. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your bro? You can have him.
28. Have you ever been out of your country? Yeah, lots, to lots of places.
29. Have you seen your best friend naked? More than that, I married her.
30. What's the best wedding you've been to? My own.
31. Would your parents be mad if you got suspended for fighting? They wouldn't know..
32. Where are your siblings right now? Who knows?
33. Do you have a Coach, Fendi or Louis Vuitton purse? who are these nobodies?
34. What's the last dream you can remember? "in my dreams i'm dying all the time"
35. Who was the last person that called you? Graham
36. What time did you wake up this morning? around 10am
37. What did you do this weekend? At home, bought food, went to a party, saw friends, drove.
38. What does the 4th text message on your phone say? Something about Coke Passover.
40. When was the last time you were sick and where was it? February.
41. Who's the last celebrity you touched? Erm, Michael Stipe, I think.
42. What's in your back pocket? Absolutely Nothing.
43. When was the last time you smoked a cigg? Never
44. Do you want to be pregnant right now? Of course not, doofus.
45. Do you wear colored contacts? Never. Keepin' It Real.
47. What were you doing at 4am this morning? Dreaming.
48. What do you usually do first in the morning? Fall out of bed, consider getting dressed.
49. Do you know anybody in the Army? No.
50. What are you going to do after this? Bedways is bestways.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Letting Go Of Everything

I was a Pack Rat. Up until three or four years ago, I kept everything. Nothing was thrown. I had every issue of Melody Maker and NME and Sounds from mid 1990 through to late 1999 under my bed. Stored chronologically, and by order. If I wanted to read about my history, I could delve into the past, and find a copy.
Incidentally, if anyone has a copy of Melody Maker with Guns N Roses on the cover from 3rd August 1991, please let me know. I'm in it. I was also sent a message via the NME back pages from my then girlfriend. It's in the issue with James on the cover. I lost that. Or, more correctly, it was lost for me.
I moved away from home in the summer of 1999. I had moved before. In 1991 I went to University, and was away, excepting a few weeks here and there, for three years. I came back, I went away to work in Brighton. I came back, and stayed four years. I met a girl, we moved in together. I was 26. I was too old to be living at home, and too young to know exactly what I was letting myself in for.
Two years later, I was married in London. What did I know?

I had too much stuff. My filed copies of every issue of the NME, Melody Maker,and Sounds and Select and Q were thrown out by my dad. I promised I'd be back to pick them up, and he instead cleaned them out then threw them out. I lost a lot.
Vinyl I left at my Dad's for the time being. Years ago, that went on a tip, I suspect. Letters, notes, the ephemera of a life, the traces of my history were all thrown out. I hoarded what I could keep without thinking of the usefulness of it or the application it could ever have.
At some point it dominated my life. I had to stop. I stopped buying the NME. The new music was rubbish anyway. I'd seen it all before. Electroclash Scene That Celebrated Itself my arse. I became ruthless. I used to buy a t-shirt from almost every band I saw. These are faded, washed to death. Thrown out or sacrificed to Ebay. Old band t-shirts paid for my divorce and my weekend to Vegas. I don't miss them much.

If someone wants to pay me £75 for an old Pop Will Eat Itself t-shirt, let them. Eventually I learnt to let go. I flogged what I didn't think I'd want, and threw what I didn't think I could sell. Three bin bags of cassettes that once formed the Wall of Sound in my flat in Walsall stacked up outside my old flat. Inside hundreds of hours of my time, annotated, hand written cassettes, each with a full track listing and lovingly compiled. Now useless.
It's hard to let go. It's easy to let go.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Questions.

Mariane asks Do you have some recommended reading? Anything you've been into this year?
Good question. I still have a great many books on my list to catch up with (A Scanner Darkly, The Three Stigmata Of Palmer Eldritch, We Need To Talk About Kevin, Fear and Loathing in America: The Brutal Odyssey of an Outlaw Journalist, Martian Time Slip,) and I am partway through The War Against Cliche, Greetings In Jesus Name!, The Two Towers, We Need To Talk About Kevin. I also want to re-read an awful lot of my books. I think all truly good books should be read at least twice. I need to get through all the Hunter S Thompson stuff and the Chuck Palahniuk novels again. So new books from this year, no, but I have tasked myself with finally making it all the way through The Lord Of The Rings and I think I might get that done soon.
I would recommend though, my usual Top Ten.
I recently finished The Penguin Of Death, which is the best childrens book ever written.

Danny Black asks Do you tend to play the same certain tunes when you feel depressed?
In a word - yes. As I have expressed elsewhere, certain music fits certain moods. Generally my favourite band is New Order because their music straddles the middle ground between miserable and hopeful, which seems to reflect my overall approach to the world. Music I listen to frequently when depressed :
The Holy Bible - Manic Street Preachers
Zooropa - U2
Pretty Hate Machine - Nine Inch Nails
Animal Rights - Moby
Hopefully, you may be familair with the content of these records : generally they are sonically aggressive, lyrically nihilistic, or (especially in the case of U2), dislocated and lost at a remove from the society they exist within. Which is how I tend to feel about things when I am depressed - trapped in a world I neither recognise or connect with, and frustrated with feeling lost in a world that is not mine.
"Do not listen to a word I say
Just listen to what I can keep silent
The only way to gain approval
Is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me
Someone somewhere soon will take care of you
I repent, I'm sorry, everything is falling apart
Houses as ruins and gardens as weeds
Why do anything when you can forget everything
And I stare at the sky
And it leaves me blind
I close my eyes
And this is yesterday."
Any more questions?
Friday, April 20, 2007
Life With X

It's been wonderful being around Xander today. As I was going out for work, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and he looked up, pursing his lips. Kiss Daddy, Kiss. I could see it in his eyes. So I leaned down and had a kiss from my son.
And his snotty top lip.
Moments later, he again leaned up. And again, I had a kiss from my snotty son.
I turned around as I opened the door as I was wiping snot from my lips. He was waving. "Daddy Go", He says.
It's a love unlike anything else in the world.
Is there anything more annoying than...

...supermarket plastic bags you can never open? You stand there, scrabbling with the plastic, trying vainly to find a way - ANYWAY - in to open them, and it stubbornly refuses. please, you plead with them. I only want somewhere to put my shopping for a few minutes as I go home. That's all.
Any ideas? I'm sure you can think of something.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Stop whinging America.

Here's how it works : 22% of homes in America have guns.
Guns propel objects at speeds of hundreds of miles an hour from barrels. They are designed to perform acts of damage, and when a bullet from a gun hits a person they normally die.
So, some social misfit with a persecution complex buys a gun in Virginia. There's no law against that. He's probably mentally ill and exercising poor judgement. No law against that. There's no law against being mentally ill, hating society, and owning a gun.
And given that he is mentally ill, hates society for its privileges, and has a gun, surely then, you can surmise he may not always respect the rule of law and may not always exercise best judgement in these instances.
Therefore, if he shoots 32 people, don't go on about tragedy. It's part of his right to Bear Arms. Murder Sprees and massacres with handguns are as American as apple pie and Wal-Mart.
Either exercise Gun Control or stop bleating. It is, of course, a tragedy. But also entirely preventable, if only the nation had the balls to stand up to the Minority Interest NRA.














