Who Would Jesus Mosh?


Even Galvatron, or Darth Vader must have an interest outside purely being Evil after all. If you were nothing but Evil - say, for example, more concentrated Evil than the Devil’s Nose - it would get utterly boring. Face it, being Evil is a sign of being a workaholic. When all you do is be Evil, there’s little space for anything else. Doesn’t Galvatron ever go jogging? Doesn’t Darth Vader ever plan his excursions around the universe on the basis of Disaster Area’s Tour Dates? Hitler, were he alive today, would have an iPod. And I’m sure it would have truly shite music on it.

Which makes it a little puzzling when I hear that David Cameron loves Morrissey. Now, I know for a fact that Morrissey once famously sang “Margaret On The Guillotine”, so quite how being a brown nosed, millionaire private school Tory Boy equates to being the Millionaire Lackey of Big Business hopelessly enthrall to the cruel dream of Thatcherism - an ethos where it was clear that all that really mattered was how much money you had, also known, a worldview known unofficially as “Fuck The Poor” could possibly in any way relate to Morrissey simply baffles me. How someone could listen to, and love music with lyrics such as “It takes guts to be gentle and kind”, and then wholeheartedly agree with Operation Bomb The Living Fuck Out Of The Brown People seems to me to be a prime example fo what psychotherapists call ‘Cognitive Dissonance’; the process of having two wildly opposing viewpoints simultaneously and simply ignoring the fact that by doing so, you’re a steaming great big liar living in a palace made of your own hypocrisy.

It’s like saying that everyone who listens to Simply Red is Evil. (We know this is true). But the devil has the best tunes. And The equasion cannot simply be reversed that everyone who listens to Morrissey is by definition, virtuous. Much as I would like to think that is the case, Cameron is the exception that proves the rule.

Not only that, but what is Galvatrons favourite movie? Who wrote Kim Jong Il’s favourite book? (Now, assuming that Kim Jong Il’s favourite book isn’t written by himself, presumably it might be, oh, I don’t know, Tom Cruises Guide To Ruling A Cult With An Iron Fist) What about say, Fidel Castro? Would he dig Beyonce? This is simply the issue at stake : no one seems to be bothered to find out about The Inner Monologue Of Evil. Hannibal Lecter is a ponce and a snob, who listens to classical recitals and kills the violinist who once hit a foul note - whilst failing to realise that maybe killing people is - perhaps -a larger transgression in the big scheme of things.

Who Would Jesus Mosh To? Being Evil must be boring, and a tedious monopoly of time. We all know Hitler was a failed painter, but what if, for example, Ted Bundy was a failed poet? What is Harold Shipman was merely expressing his frustrations at commuting? I’m seeing a trend here. In fact, given the number of times I’ve been delayed going to work because some Useless Fucking Cretin has decided to not only kill himself, but also to do so in front of MY train so I’m late for work, we should work on creating suicidal dating agencies.

Are you a killer? Need to kill someone? Are you suicidal? Want to die? Fulfill a killers perversions, and serve the community by not holding MY train up so I can get to work on time, by signing up to miserablemeetmurderer.com. Killer and killed browse each other, and choose dates, and then get on with the whole messy business of death behind close doors without jumping in front of my train.

Seriously. Everyone’s a winner this way. Now, you may think I’m being cynical or unnecessarily harsh, but I think that such a website will be providing a public service - A SoulMates for the terminally depressed. After all, I’m of the belief that anything between two consenting adults, however strange, isn’t necessarily immoral. If you believe in freedom for those weirdos that could only achieve a fraction of an orgasm by hammering nails into each others testicles, then surely, you also believe in the quality of life and death. Think of it as a Mutually Beneficial Euthanasia.

Oh, and I reckon Hitler would have Robbie Williams on his iPod. Think about it. You know it makes sense.
- posted by Mark @ 7:26 pm