"I'm going to die before you" she said.

I can't think of anything worse. For either of us.

For a long time, I've never felt like this. Before, in all my other relationships, I thought, fearing the worst, that if my partner died, I'd stumble on, somehow. That life would go on, that I'd survive somehow.

After she told me that today, I knew, instinctively, that it is probably true. Her health isn't as good as mine, and I'm instinctively passionate to live. Seeing my mother die at 51, and seeing her fight against three heart attacks, seeing her there screaming i'm dying i'm dying : that stuff never leaves you.

So now I'm like, Fuck You Death. I'm living. And you know, I can't see beyond her now. Without her, my life has no plot. There's no vision beyond that. With my other partners, I always thought, yeah, life goes on. But I don't know if I can get over that. But I'm going to live to about 4,012 if I have any say in the matter. And it's not that she hasn't the lust for life I do : it's that she's not built the same way I am, physically, and she's probably not going to last as long. I need less sleep, I do more, I burn like a fire. You've got to burn to shine.

This is not so morbid as you might think. I just hadn't considered the possibility of a life without her in it. It would feel wrong. As if my life had been stolen from me. As if somehow the journey had been interrupted : she's meant to go the whole way with me. Til Death Us Do Part.

Yes. Things could've been different. But when we met, how we met, who I met... these things all fell into place. It was almost as if there was nothing we could do to stop ourselves. It was as if two previously docile chemicals met, and suddenly the whole was more than the sum of the parts. And now we are pregnant. It's as if there was too much love between us for merely two people.

Soul-mates. A word that is often often overused, but I can't really think of any other way to describe us. It's not that we are identical, we're not, but we're different in ways that are a perfect fit for each other. Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. We have our differences, but the great thing about our differences is that I awlays feel as if we are discovering new things : not bad things, new things. She always astounds me and interests me and I never forget that : in the midst of this we seem to be made for each other. As if we were designed to fit around each other, like a jigsaw made of two strange pieces that when you put them together both create something beautiful.

Thanks to Di for posting something very similar, but no doubt inspired by something far less morbid than a conversation that includes the words "I'm going to die before you and you're going to have to bury me".

Life with her is a journey, beautiful and fascinating. Long may it last.
- posted by Mark @ 1:39 am