(Planet Me)
Sunday, April 29, 2012

 Avengers Assemble might be a bunch of pictures on a screen, but really that's like calling The Bible a book : “Avengers Assemble” isn't really a film – it's a great big bag of awesome wrapped up in cherry cola bottles and Frosted Shreddies. It's Awesomeballs. If Awesomeballs could be described as “A Bunch Of Dudes and A Lady Dude fight Bad Dudes to save the world again”. Sure, if there is an awesome event in history this film could be compared to, it would be the day that God invented orgasms, electric guitars, and chocolate.

And yes, I know I'm using the word awesome too much, but why do you think Marion Cobretti's number plate was AWSOM 50?

It it's good enough for him, its good enough for me.

Of course, if you like your superhero films made for wimps, there is still “Superman Returns”. Sure, you can fly, and your penis can shoot lasers, but if you spend your whole life sitting around wondering if you should kill the person who invented the Tweenies with your amazing mindpower, then guess what? Move over, and let a bad ass motherfucker who would actually use that power for all kinds of awesome mindfuckery it should be used for.


So we've got Thor and Green Angry Man, and Redhead Killer, alongside Mecha Iron Man and Captain Hero, and Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson With A Eyepatch. And when they're not killing baddies with British Accents, or quipping about the end of the world, Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson With A Eyepatch is turning up telling everyone they need to get with the programme and save the planet from a fate worse than Sting.

Yep. It's a rollercoaster ride of a movie. With none of those “climbing-the-stairs-waiting-for-something-to-happen” bits. If you feel this fillum has any of those, you're actually watching something with Shit LaBeef in.

And then there's the guy who isn't The Hulk in either of those two movies, who totally owns the role. I forgot that the other blokes ever did the role. And this guy, the Hulkahulkahulka, he's smart and funny and steals the show when he takes the stage. One scene had the whole packed out cinema in roars and cheers, which I haven't seen since 1983 when Darth picked up The Emperor and bitchslapped his multigenerian ass down the nuclear wessel hole.

And Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson With A Eyepatch totally kicks ass at the end, even though he is hundreds of miles from the final battle between Good, Evil, and Ikea. Even with only one working eye, that man is like a box full of Pot Noodle Ninjas that have been opened on an angry day. Just add water. And Fury.

Dear Michael Bay. You're so totally Joss Wheedon's bitch now. This is how to do it. Give up. Go home. Drive your wang extension wagon Ferrari round Hollywood and make a film about old ladies battling for the last of the Nachos. That's all you're fit for. The 3D's of your life, are Dunderhead, Dense, and Dismal.


What is that noise? You want plot? Ah, this moofie has it in spades. Sure, it's silly, stupid, and utterly unrealistic. After all, if this were real, Thor&HulkCo would be millionaires running the world's best demolition company. If this were real, Cinemas would be reanamed “The Expensive Bang Sweet Shop”.

Were this film a moment in your life, it would be the moment that you can fire lasers out of nose and remove from the universe anyone you want through the power of thought alone, whilst the Red Arrows fly overhead, filmed in 3D, and soundtracked by AC/DC. If this movie were... well, a movie, it would be the Superhero version of Pulp Fiction, with extra Batman-played-by-Shaft thrown in.

It's better than sex with a supermodel. It's wittier than Oscar Wilde after falling into a vat of Shane Black. It's possibly more full on crazy batshit than Prince after 3 cans of full fat Coca-Cola. And With that Tony Stark Iron Duda fella, I kinda want to be him when I grow up. I was watching him and wondering if maybe, if I acted like that at work, I might as well just rename my email address misterfudgingawesome@work.com. Imagine that. If in team meetings, some bloke just burst in and “We Need Mister Fudging Awesome!”, some kind of Cillit Bang corporate superhero that will be some bonecrunchingly ninja, his very presence in a room would cause office foilage to burst into flame in an act of spontaeous fauna combustion.

This film is like that to all the other movies I've seen. And I've seen “Transformers 3 3-D Attack Of The Bullshit”. This movie treats all the other crap blockbusters – starting with “The Green Lantern Pirate vs. The Alien Teenkillers in Smellovision!” – and dropkicks them like a Pele would a grenade into a Nazi's mouth in the John Milius Directors Cut of “Escape To Victory”. It's a nacho of brilliance smeared in awesome sauce, and then guzzled at 3am after a hard night on a bender of megahero awesomeness. This film isn't the most amazing sex of your life, it's some kind of crazed orgy ending with everyone spent, soggy, and happy as the tedious and inevitable certain destruction of the earth is delayed until the sequel.

But, and I say this with all due respect, Stan Lee is 90 now : can he stop doing those shitty cameos?

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