(Planet Me)
Friday, May 10, 2013

This review has spoilers ; and is unapologetic about them. If on the other hand, you don't want Star Trek spoiled, don't watch this festering, unintelligent LENSFLARE turd of a film, with a script that should have been strangled at birth.

Damon Lindelof should never work again. JJ Abrams is played out, and needs to step back. LENSFLARE LENSFLARE. This is the worst Star Trek film ever made. Yes. Even worse than “The Final Frontier”.

In Star Trek, you can travel to a million planets and countless species. You can explore the outer reaches or inner and - LENSFLARE - outer space. There are a multitude of options. All the worlds in the universe are your Gorn oyster.

Why then, choose a story so small? Why end your film on a fucking foot chase through San Francisco? Why choose to remake “Wrath Of Khan” (LENSFLARE with an identical set of story beats, retold through the idiot filter that is Lindelof LENSFLARE ), and make it stupider?

The one question every filmmaker needs to ask himself is simple : Why? LENSFLARE

Why does this film exist?

Why should people put down their money and watch this?

Why should people care about what happens in this film?

Why do the characters act the way they do?

Why does Damon Lindelof keep getting work?

If they act stupid, they are stupid. LENSFLARE And that means, for me at least, they are not the iconic characters they are meant to be LENSFLARE . Kirk may have been many things, but stupid – unless it came to ladies – is not one of them.

Here's some more questions :

Every film of this scale should have a session where the script is torn apart, and questions asked of every scene, every character. Why are they acting this way? What is their motivation? Why do they do THIS and not THAT? Because if you don't ask that, LENSFLARE your audience – who, despite what your focus groups tells you – are not all stupid popcorn munching teenagers, and think about what is happening on screen, will want to strangle the writers. The LENSFLARE people in the audience are thinking more LENSFLARE about the plot than Lindelof does.

Every problem this film has exists in the script. In a fundamental lack of thought applied to what is meant to be the smartest science fiction franchise. And make no mistake about it, Star Wars VII is going to be awful with JJ LENSFLARE Abrams at the helm.

Countless times during this film, I asked myself the one question that has eluded the film :Why?

Yeah, the simple answer from the dumb is Haters Gonna Hate. The question is why? Why do I hate this film? Because it is stupid. LENSFLARE LENSFLARE LENSFLARE . Because it pointlessly vandalises the Roddenberryverse for no reason than one cool background shot.

And oh God, the plot. There is nothing wrong with this film – apart from the obscenely layered lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare lensflare – that an instant rewrite and Lindelofs sudden and immediate retirement couldn't fix.

Message to Hollywood : there are other writers in the world than Damon Lindelof, and his dunderheaded, stupid fanfiction (Prometheus, and Into Darkness) should be banished. I'm excruiatingly bored his illogical, illthought, plothole bullshit where the whole film rests on the cliche of the Idiot Protagonist. LENSFLARE The man should never work again. My generation are starting to run countries and ruin franchises, and they are royally fucking it up. LENSFLARE This film is full of people who would rather say nothing and keep their jobs, than ask a basic question : “Why?

touchthespacecobra touchthespacecobra touchthespacecobrOWWWHYISITATTACKINGME?

During one three minute sequence, I counted 39 shots in a row with LENSFLARE added in post-production, often multiple times in the same shot. Why? Any DP worth more than minimum wage would have his ass fired for that kind of result. Why? It's the artifical imposition of needlessly distracting artifacts for no reason apart from to look huh huh 'cool'. Lensflare is the vandalism of work : and I've seen enough films to know when it is 'real' and when it's a bullshit piece of fake rubbish, like someone gave every actor multiple false shadows. It looks wrong, no matter how well executed it may think it is.

This decade is one that will not be looked at as a great LENSFLARE decade of LENSFLARE filmmaking, but the triumph of the dumb as franchises are ripped to shreds for cool shots for the trailer. The script for this is the worst kind of entry level fanfiction that would generate hoots of laughter if a film company hadn't committed a quarter of a billion dollars to it. Patton Oswalt wrote a better film in his Parks & Recreation fillibustering speech than Lindelof. Borrowing LENSFLARE liberally from Insurrection, The Hunted, Wrath Of Khan, Nemesis, Undiscovered Country, and countless LENSFLARE other episodes, The plot is generic, boring, cookiecutter ticklist of cliches. Genetic superman? Check. Corrupt Admiral trying to start a war? Yawn. Pointless scene about First Directive where Kirk does something stupid for a reason that is never explained – and boneheadedly stupid? Of course. LENSFLARE Later on, this stodgy, charmless remake of Wrath Of Khan replays the last half of that film as a uncommitted tribute band, by messing up a bit. Switch all the things that happen to Spoke to Kirk? Wow, that's original. LENSFLARE. Whilst you are at it, make Starbuck a woman, really fuck with the audiences heads. In the meantime, lets blowup Klingon's moon for a cool but unexplained background shot. I've never blown up a moon, but I imagine it doesn't look as if the galaxies biggest holepunch just put a huge slot in it 5 minutes ago.

Oh fuck it – Khan? Really? You couldn't think of anyone more original? Cumberbatch is about 10% of the original actor in this, his origin is complete bullshit and contradicts the original TV series (why? bangs head against the desk of passing Starship), and the rest of the film is dunderheaded nonsense. Oh, and don't pretend we are in an alternate timeline now : the 'alternate' timeline started at Kirk's birth about 27 years ago, and Khan's origin was 300 years ago, so there's actually two Khans around now. Unless of course, Lindelof is full of incoherent shit and throws every 'cool' idea at the script without actually thinking to check the canon of the matter.

LENSFLARE There's a secret ship called The Dreadnought? How come, for example, Khan knows all this stuff? Why is Peter Weller's Admiral Marcus-The-Asshole intent on starting a war with the Klingons? What's the motive? It's never explained, and come to think of it, Khan is actually the good guy in this film, trying to avert a war that some idiot Admiral is intending to start for a reason that is never justified. LENSFLARE. It does not make any sense when you probe any deeper than the surface. “Star Trek” is a coked up supermodel of a film : it looks passable on the surface, but the character and content is flawed and stupid. It is insulting to watch this and know that I am undisputedly smarter than the writer.

There's an obligatory subplot about the warp core, and having to connect the tech to the tech. Snooze. Wake me up when you have an idea of your own. I half expected them to find the Omega 13.

Yes, Khan is in this. And he is forgettable. Cumberbatch is simply a paycheque thrown at the screen. And to think, Benecio Del Toro turned this down because they didn't offer him enough. Or as I like to call,The We-know-this-film-will-make-millions-so-we'll-save-ourselves-pennies-on-major-cast-members move. It's a dick move, and one that Terence Howard knows well. LENSFLARE. Del Toro would have destroyed Cumberbatch's Khan with a glance and pissed on the dust for a mild, distractionary amusement before he destroyed a planet without a second glance.

Oh, and whilst I remember, nobody really dies in the Star Trek universe. Kirk dies in this film. In a radiation chamber. LENSFLARE Trying to reconnect a reactor to save the ship from Khan's attack. And Spock shots at the top of his voice KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

I wish I was joking. Here's a line about a Gorn. WINK. Here's a line that quotes an old film, but slightly differently. WINK. See what I did there? Aren't I clever? WINK. But as I said, nobody really dies in this film. LENSFLARE LENSFLARE . When Kirk walked down to engineering, I followed the Chekov's Gun theory, and said out loud “Zombie Tribbles”. Fear not, a few minutes later, Kirk is resurrected from fatal radiation using blood from a zombie Tribble. I wish I was joking.

This new Star Trek film is much like watching a monkey piss in its own mouth for 2 hours whilst burning £200,000,000 in front of you. I've written smarter shopping lists. It's not that this is a bad film, its more a good film made from an incoherent, pisspoor, stupid script. Damon Lindelof should never work in this town again.

Your hate has just made me want to see it in the same way that people rubberneck accidents or glance at Iain Duncan Smith.
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