A Small Victory
Whilst I have not said so much on here, the past five months have been really very difficult for me. In fact, come to think the past two years have has many, many difficult sections. The past few months I have been struggling with a great many things. A huge amount of confusion and uncertainty about the world I am living in, whether I am meant to be part of this world. Who am I? Where am I? Why is my life the way it is? In some ways I have felt very repressed : forced into circumstances I would never have chosen, situations imposed upon me very much against my will, imprisoned. For a long time, there are forces that have been opposed to me being myself, and trying to make me someone I am not. I am who I see myself to be. I define myself. I am not the prisoner in a box that some people want me to be. I will be prisoner only by my own choice.
How much of who we are is who we see ourselves to be, and how much of it is who other people think we are? We are what we do ; and so, I am. Recently, in fact, around 9.30 on Friday morning, I made a sort of breakthrough. I am not an observer watching my own life, but I am in charge of my own narrative. Others have tried to wrest this power from me, to make me an object serving their purposes, a puppet. They may be able to do this to other people ; but not me. My unhappiness has come from the realisation that it is happening yet again, but again, now, I am doing all I can to resist that and to maintain dominion over my own world. I don't seek to be a dictator - more to be able to be captain of my own destiny. It is an infinite, endless war, with small victories and battles won and lost. Like politics, everything always ends in failure, everything always in death - but, above and beyond all things, if I must fight, and if I must lose, I do so my way, and on my own terms. It makes me sound belligerent (of which I was once accused), but really, I recognise that life is a war unwanted, and thus, survival, and living my own way, is perhaps the best I can do.