(Planet Me)
Sunday, March 02, 2014
This Is Yesterday

You may have noticed hardly anyone 'blogs' anymore. It's all Facebook this and Twitter that. But also, you may have noticed the past three or so years, a dropoff generally in the need to share. So much of life is shared anyway now, there are few secrets on the Internet, and one of the primary rights is the right of control. To an extent, the Internet - with FB and Twitter - makes everyone feel sort of famous anyway, it's all out there, somewhere. Instead there's a lot of stuff that is not said. I have my reasons. Take me out for a drink, and I'll tell you all about it. In the last five months, I have written three paragraphs here not about music or films.

A few years ago, a once-friend of mine accused me of being secretive and whatever, whereas really I was more respecting the wishes of other people in my life. But I didn't want to control the world, but be in control of my world, not to be a bit part observer in my own life, but to be the lead in my own narrative. Do not listen to a word I say, just listen to what I keep silent.

There's been a "fuckofalot" of stuff happen in the past 12 months. Too much for my liking. I have a new job, and my life has changed in a great many ways. In almost all of them, it is now immeasurably better than it was at certain points in the past. It's not that I don't want to share things with you, but I probably shouldn't to protect the guilty. But financially, my immediate circumstances appear healthier. My personal life is happier. My sons, who are my 'prime directive', have both been dianogsed with high functioning autism. This now means that whilst our lives are 'official', these boys will now have the support network around them to make life a little more tolerable, because it has been one hell of a rough ride, the past nine years. There's a gap in knowing who they are, and what they have, and I am blessed that I have two great sons who are both very well natured and thoughtful, and have allowed me to be part of the journey of their lives.

But life has had some extremely dark moments. The past few years, I have felt a sense of living in a siege. There has been a near constant assault on me over the past few years on one front or another, aside from about six months in total, and to be honest, it is very very exhausting. I have lost some battles, but overall, the war - as such - is going well. There are so many things I want to share, but I cannot. I have defeated more powerful but less intelligent enemies who have declared silent and surreptitious wars on me. I have played situations like an orchestra, and turned death into a fighting chance to live. I have not wanted this at any point, but when it is imposed upon you, you just have to surf that wave to the end. What I can say, is that for those who know me, and who knew the enormous battles I had to fight between April 2007 and March 2009, that the past few years have been similar in many ways, but different in others, that I have had to work at the absolute peak of my mental dexterity to navigate my way through a minefield that is modern life. But I am here, and now, and alive, and that is a victory in itself.

This is not anything but a moment in time, and as soon as it happens, it is gone. The future is waiting. It is time to keep my appointment with it.


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