(Planet Me)
Wednesday, July 29, 2015

1.Pass him a beer from the fridge as he leaves the shower. Because he's a raging alcoholic and can't face having a wash without needing to have alcohol.

2. Make him a snack after sex. Because he's a lazy dinosaur who can't make a sandwich. And if he can't make a sandwich, he can't be bothered to help you come either. The female orgasm is a myth, anyway.

3. Email him the latest gossip about cars. Because nothing says 'bunnyboiler' like “I have your favourite Top Gear Presenter in my GoogleAlerts because I was just a void waiting to be filled by you, and I have no interest in anything of my own”. (What kind of guy has a 'favourite' Top Gear presenter, anyway?)

4. Brag about him to everyone you know. Because there's nothing about yourself worth bragging about, you worthless human.

5. Answer the door naked. Because you're so weak and docile you need a man to help you dress yourself.

6. Be open to whatever he wants to try in bed and out. Because you have no self-respect. And are a doormat. (See #9)

7. Spit out sports stats. Because all men really want is someone just like them, but with breasts and no self respect. Besides, you only define yourself by being his 'woman', and have no interests of your own.

8. Make a big deal out of his favourite meal. But not as big a deal as that cow, because that cow died for his dinner, and you didn't. Where's your sense of commitment, woman?

9. Treat his friends as well as you treat him. Those single friends of his? That dick won't suck itself.

10. Watch TV with him. Especially when he's fired up xhamster to experience the things he's too scared to tell you about. (see #6). He probably likes being pegged.

11. A massage. What do you mean, where's yours? Stop being so selfish. You exist to serve him.

12. Tease him by telling him the truth. Let him know that you were actually a modern woman with a backbone, he'd get terrified you have opinions of your own. Oh look! Shiny things! Shoes!

13. Get a life and dump him and find a man who isn't scared of a woman.

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