There are two types of movie for children. The ones made by people who don't hate parents, and the ones made by people who really, really fucking hate parents.

“The Emoji Movie” is in the second type. It is the worst film I have seen at the cinema in 17 years. Since Battlefield Earth. The first film in that long I have invented a need to go to the toilet, just to give my weary brain some respite from watching / enduring this endless litany of animation and noise. The first film in a very very long time that seems 10 times longer than it actually is. I guarantee you I have spent longer thinking about the plot writing this review than the three – THREE – scriptwriters spent on this idiotic drivel.

The plot isn't really a plot, but a series of loosely connected scenes linked by some kind of talking, that seems shoehorned around the main corporate sponsors of this. It's a digital version of Mac & Me, without any redeeming features. This isn't so bad it's good, it's so bad it's absolutely fucking terrible.

All of the films enormous plot shortcomings might possibly just be redeemed by the obvious fun & charm the actors might be having making it : a sort of modern day Cannonball Run if you like. But the voice acting is so utterly dull the film is drenched in the sense of contractual obligation and mortgage payments.

Laid out briefly, there's a Emettalike Emoji who wants to be his own person in a world of conformity. A wacky sidekick with secret powers who is practically James-Corden-as-Happy-Batman. A female hacker who fulfills every requirement of Manic Indie Pixie Girl who also happens to be secretly a Princess. There's a series of tasks that need to be fulfilled, each designed around an app on your phone. Go to AppLand! Defeat the monster of CorporateStorageBocks. Access the glory that lies beyond The Firewall and The Cloud. Navigate through MediaPlatform. Call on TweetyBlueBird for help.

This isn't actually a film. It's a long, tedious advertisement for the Google Play Store. A pathetic, and pointless waste of time where you are cynically sold the existence of product and have to pay for the privilege. A film so utterly forgettable that I had to pause and try to remember its title. A film that exists for the sole purpose of separating you and your children from their money. A film that doesn't even pretend to have a reason to exist other than to sell you things. It's approximately 99% advertising, alongside 100% emotionless. It's as if some psychopathic businessman alien pretending to be a human wrote a movie about emotions, using only what he knew from top placed Google Ads and email Spam. It's a jigsaw of scenes from other movies bolted together with a hammer to waste an afternoon in the summer holiday.

“The Emoji Movie” is quite simply one of the worst films ever made, and its short time isn't even a redeeming feature, because at 86 minutes, it feels as it lasts at least six hours of repetitive tedium even more boring than waiting for a bus in the rain. Still, at least James Corden got to pay off most of his mortgage by playing the usual "Fat Comedy Sidekick", so something good came out of this.

If anyone can think what it is though, don't bother to tell me.